Nine Days
by stilljustme
Summary: Nine days left till Ben and Cooper will stop driving together. Ben will be a hell of a cop, but what will become of his TO?
1. Chapter 1

"It's night. You're still wearing your sunglasses."  
After that it went quiet. Too quiet, actually – no car door banging, no engine. The only thing Cooper heard was his own breath, coming heavier and louder with every minute.  
Ben was still watching him.  
It took all of the officer's power to calmly take down the glasses and store them in his breast pocket. Minutes passed, or were it hours? Time had lost its meaning to John Cooper. There was pain, and there were moments where it lessened, and these moments were too short compared with the hurt – and constantly getting shorter.

He didn't look back as he finally drove off, moving very slowly and deliberating every flexing inch. Thirteen miles till home. He could manage that.

"Just tell me why" Ben had said, pleaded almost. And through the stabbing pain in his back John felt the stinging of guilt. It wasn't the boot's fault that he had barged into his affairs. Cooper had let him get too close to him, had opened up too much. You see a lost puppy you don't adopt it – and hell, Ben didn't even like puppies. A cat person. The hoarse, forced laughter was heard by nobody and followed by another shot of pain that made Cooper lose grip of the wheel for a second. The car darted to the left. Any car taking the last curve too fast would crash him.  
The thought had something reassuring, even if it lasted only for a second.

"Just tell me why."  
He had allowed Sherman to see a father figure in him – him, from all people. What did Cooper know of being a father? All he knew was how to do it wrong. There was no right way in raising kids, obviously Ben's dad had failed, too. And still the human race kept making and getting them. Even Laurie – Laurie who was the only person John trusted completely, now more than ever in their marriage. Through all the years he had admired and loved her ability of finding her own way to look at things, and her own way of behaving towards other people. Laurie had a kindness that couldn't be broken by arrogance or hatred, not even by fear. And now even Laurie felt caught by the biological clock. Or by the lack of love – why did you get a baby if not to have someone who loves and adores you unconditionally?

And what had he got from Ben? Not love, but something quite close to it. And unconditionally to the test. Those last days could not only have killed the boot, they could've also cost him his job – and Cooper knew that as a rookie, being fired seemed more threatening than dying.  
Still Ben had stuck to him, and in any other circumstances John would have been grateful towards him – but not now. Not when it meant pulling Ben deeper into his life because sooner or later, and it felt more like "sooner" actually, he would be gone. And nobody would be pleased by what he left.  
He couldn't have Ben finding him that way, he could not have him following him to where he went. Cooper could afford stepping over boundaries because there was not much they could take from him anymore. He had to get through these last nine days till they both were free.  
Ben to be a complete and good cop – and him to die. End of story.

Nine days.

As Cooper reached his house the pain was so bad that he couldn't even crawl out. It was almost more than he could endure to open the car's door.  
After five minutes of preparing Cooper felt ready for the next step. He shove his legs sideward through the door and bit his lips not to groan.

"Looking good."

Jerking around John couldn't hide his pain anymore. Blinded with tears he saw Ben coming over. How long had he been there watching him?  
"Don't" he growled through clenched teeth but there was no way of arguing with those blank eyes. At first he had assumed that special look in Ben's eyes to be a mask when things were too bad to cope with. But now he knew that this look meant something more dangerous: It meant Ben saw right through him, and he wouldn't leave him now. It meant the boot would follow him wherever he would go – and wherever he would carry him.

"Get… your ass…" but the rest was lost in a painful howl as Ben firmly put his arms around his shoulders and dragged him out of the car, to the door, getting the keys out of Cooper's pockets like he had never done anything different, and carried him inside. Carefully he placed the man onto the couch and sat down on the floor before him.

"You're ready to talk now or should I get you into hospital?"


	2. Chapter 2

Ben held the glance without blinking and after a minute Cooper's energy to stare was exhausted – whatever strength he still had was spent on the effort not to cry out. Grunting he closed his eyes and hoped against hope that it was an illusion, that Ben would be gone when he'd open them again. That it was all just a nightmare he would wake up, painless and with his dignity still intact.

"I take that as hospital." Ben's voice was tense despite his nonchalant words. Cooper heard him get up, and panic filled his system. No. Ben would not betray him, he would not end it all. Surviving instinct took over and adrenaline hit in – enough to bring him off the couch and to the door, heading for where Ben seemed to have run. The street was empty.  
"You really think you can outrun me?" Ben's voice was still calm but as Cooper slowly turned around, leaning on the door frame, he could see the younger's hands shaking as he put them forth into his TO's direction – a glass of water in one of them, a small bottle of pills in the other. "These ones?"

John didn't bother looking at the pills, he knew they were right. He knew where Ben had found them – in the kitchen, next to a half-empty cup of coffee and a glass of whiskey. He hadn't got the alcohol down either.  
Automatically he moved forward to take the offerings – and halted as he saw the look in Ben's eyes. The boot didn't look at him but into the dark night behind him, and though he tried his best to keep his pokerface on Cooper could read him like a book. Adrenaline slowly faded but still left him clear enough to realize that this was it.

This was the point of no return.  
Ben had stuck to him through everything because he respected him. He had risked his life and his career trusting in John's instinct. Trusting in John to be a good enough cop to protect him and guide him. Trusting him to make a good cop out of him. And he was – gods knew Ben would do it. He already was one of the best John had ever seen, in any case the best he had trained. Well, apart from Jimmy Dale – his second rookie ever to train. The kid had had amazing instincts and shooting skills, but after five weeks he had quit. Till now Cooper wasn't sure what he had done wrong with him. One point surely was that he had not fought hard enough to keep him.

He would not make the same mistake again, not with Ben.

"_If they get me, I'll get degraded. If they get you, you'll be fired."  
"Then at least I did my job the way it's meant to be done."  
_That was what the boot had told John when they looked for the little lost boy. Setting priorities. Ben was already so much cop that he felt he had to protect even his own training officer. A part of John just wanted to smack Ben in the face, so damn hard he would lie on the floor whimpering. He didn't need a babysitter, fuck it, and for heaven's sake not Ben! Especially not Ben.

"John?" Ben's voice was shaking now, too. But he took a step forward and brought the pills closer. After a moment of hesitating, he even managed to face John – with a look so desperate and determined that the elder officer felt tears in his eyes. It didn't matter anymore. He had already passed it, passed it a long time ago – Ben couldn't differ between personal and professional anymore. No matter what Cooper did in this night, it wouldn't change the loyalty Ben had for him. There was no way he could get him out of the way, out of his life anymore.

The pain in John's back had returned full force. Why should he bother to hide it? Something told him that he wouldn't get Ben out even of his house. At least for tonight.  
His breath got shallow and strained as he made a step forward.

Ben's hands were shaking even more now, a bit of water splattered out and dropped down onto the floor. His jaw tightened but he didn't look away as Cooper slowly took the glass and the bottle, opened the latter and poured three of the white balls down at once, washing it down with the water – his eyes starting to water but never leaving Ben's.

As he watched his TO giving into his pain and weakness right before him Ben felt his own strength fade totally. It had been too long a day, too long a year, and now his last bastion, his only true rock had broken. John saw it in the younger's eyes – he had just broken Ben as well.  
The pain in his back was starting to dull but he somehow didn't feel better.  
Nine days. Couldn't he have endured it nine days more?

"Okay." Ben had tears in his eyes, too. "I…" He took a deep breath. What was left to say? John almost gently put a hand on his shoulder, eyes still locked. Ben bit his lips but didn't shy away.  
"Ben…"  
"I won't." Despite the tears, despite everything he had just seen, Ben's voice was steady. "I won't go now, so just drop it. Spare your energy." There was only an edge of despise in his words – the only sort of a mask Ben was still wearing when things came too close.

Another moment passed by in silence, Ben was still closely watching Cooper as if he wanted to see the pills working. The waiting seemed to drain more energy from him than the whole day had. Or the whole year.  
Cooper squeezed Ben's shoulder. "You're gonna be a good cop, Ben." He managed a dry laughter. "If you survive this, you'll get over…"  
"I said don't." Ben's voice was shaking again. "Don't tell what to do, don't tell me what will happen, don't tell me it's going to be okay." Fear and exhaustion turned into anger, and Cooper felt like a ton of bricks was lifted from both his heart and his back. Anger meant fighting. Fighting meant there was more in Ben Sherman than even he had expected. He would get over this. He would get over him, over those nine days.  
At least Cooper would not be responsible for losing another rookie.

The tears that started to roll down the TO's cheeks were born less of pain – that slowly really started to ease down – than of relief. "Okay" he said and carefully placed his steps back to the living room. As he sat down on the couch Ben followed him, by no means calmed.  
"I trusted you" he hissed through clenched teeth, "I trusted you. And your instinct. I believed every damn word you said, and it was all a lie!"  
"Not all of it, Ben."  
"You said you didn't want to lose your job because of me, and now I'm stuck with your shit! What did you think you were doing?"  
Cooper built up. "I never made you do anything you…"  
"No, of course not!" Ben paced through the room, clearly angry with himself now. "You didn't tell me to do it, but you made me do it! Because I trusted you! Because I…" He stopped, hands baled to fists. "Because I still trust you." He turned around and looked at Cooper, all rookie on his first day now. Helpless but hopeful.  
"What are we gonna do now? Tell me. Tell me, John!" Probably less hope than desperation.

Cooper sighed. "I tell you what you're gonna do. You will sit down and ask me. Everything you want to know. And I will tell you. But I won't lie to you so you better ask only things you really want to know and you can live with." He looked at his rookie once again, and this time his glance was enough to calm Ben down. Back at the beginning. "When you're done with asking questions – or when we're out of beer, that might be earlier – you will go home. You will go home, Ben." He raised his voice as Ben wanted to protest, "you will go home. You will forget. And you will the best cop I've ever had the honor to work with. Deal?"  
Ben looked at him curiously. "The best? What, old man, you get cheesy now?"  
Cooper chuckled. "Beer's in the freezer."


	3. Chapter 3

Ben took his time getting the beer. Cooper couldn't blame him. He wouldn't even be angry if the boot decided to run out screaming. A part of him still wished he would.

But after two minutes Ben came back and placed a bottle of beer right in front of John before he pulled a kitchen chair in front of him and sat down. Both men took a sip at the same time. Cooper put his bottle down then, but Ben kept on drinking. Slowly. His eyes never left Cooper's face. Once again it was a challenge, like they had done so often. Just that this time it was Ben who called.

After some minutes the painkillers' effects hit him at full force. The dullness in his back spread out through his every muscle and reached his brain. He was at the edge of falling asleep when Ben finally snapped, "Since when?"  
Cooper frowned. "Since when what?"  
Ben's jaw tightened. "Since when are you using?"  
Automatically, John sat up, rage surging up inside him. "I'm not…" Then he stopped, fists shaking with both anger and despair. Ben was right. He was using. He was a criminal as well as the other scum he used to arrest.  
He had long stopped being a good cop.

"John? Am I just allowed to ask or will you answer, too?" Ben's eyes were filled with contempt as much as his voice – but he was still there. Cooper sat up completely and took another sip of beer. "I don't know" he said. Ben laughed bitterly. "Of course."  
"I really don't! I promised to tell you everything, you've got me here down on my fucking knees, now don't tell me I'm also a liar!"  
"But you are a liar!" Ben jumped up. "Everytime I asked you you said you were okay! Everything happening when we were on patrol was my fault! And everytime…" He broke off, breathing heavily. His face was distorted with both anger and despair, but he forced himself to calm down. "Who's your dealer?" He stayed standing, though, as if looking down on his TO would make it easier.  
Cooper nodded. "There were more of them at first. Now it's only one. And I don't know his name, I never asked him. I figured if he felt threatened in any way, he'd ask around and…"  
"Find out you were a cop?" Ben finished bitterly. Cooper glared at him, then nodded. "If you want to know when the pain started, I don't know that either. Feels like always."  
"I wasn't going to ask this." Ben still towered over him but seemed to finally calm down.

"How did you think this would end?"  
Straight to the point. John took a long draft of beer. "No."  
"What do you mean, no?" Ben was too bewildered to stay angry now.  
"No means I won't tell you." Cooper stared straight ahead, all pent-up again. His back protested, but it would stop soon. Like everything else.  
"How will this end?" Ben moved down so his face was closer to Cooper's. Cooper held the glance, his face blank. "Any other questions?"

Ben backed away. "John?"  
"Go ahead." He was getting the upper hand again. "Ask. Everything. My being gay is always worth a laugh in a bar, at least with Dewey around. And yes, that's why Laurie and I got divorced. I didn't know it before I was married, and yes - it was my fault, not hers. And no – I won't rape you, so ease down, boot. Do you wanna know about my father? About Monica Raymond, killed at the age of sixteen just because she made the mistake of falling in love with me? I knew she was afraid. I knew there was something she was hiding from me, and I exercised, three hours a day, to make sure I could protect her from everything threatening her. Monica was… she was the best person I've ever known. Honestly, you in my place… you'd have fallen for her like I did.  
That day I also was exercising. I was running, all through the city. I forgot she would pick me up earlier for once. One hour. I let her alone for one hour, and now I'm alone for the rest of my life. And I deserve it. I was so eager to protect her from everything around that I never thought of… as if I hadn't known." Cooper closed his eyes, lost in memories. "My father had already molested my sister, how could I forget it… when I came home, the garage door was open. She was naked, all bathed in blood. I froze. I swear I wanted to get to her but I couldn't move a muscle. And then she looked at me. She looked at me and died. She died. And I stood there like… I have killed her. I've killed her just as my dad has. Another question?"  
Cooper looked up only to see that Ben was long gone.

"Hey, boot, what you doing? Are you in my bathroom?"  
"You wanna kill yourself?"  
John closed his eyes again. He could get up now and stop Ben from frantically searching in the cupboard, but he knew it was too late.

"John?" Every trace of anger had long gone. As Ben returned from the bathroom Cooper saw a puppy again.  
"You wanna kill yourself?" His voice was hushed, as if he didn't want to know the answer.  
Cooper grinned. "We all die, boot." He tilted his head towards the chair. "Want another beer?"


	4. Chapter 4

_Reviews are still appreciated… as much as I love this fandom, I have my difficulties writing in it, I'm afraid I do the characters wrong. Not that this fear's going to stop me, actually, but I'd gladly take any advice I get._

Cooper woke up and immediately wished he hadn't. The sun shone bright and hot through the windows. It was at least very close to being late. He took a deep breath and grunted at the pain stinging through his chest and back. The idea of moving vanished from his brain, as did every other thought. The pain didn't stop, and he started sweating at the bare attempt not to cry, the effort causing him to burn too much oxygen in too little time. With clenched teeth Cooper breathed out and in again, trying not to move his torso in the process. Very slowly the pain started to ebb down, and after some moment Cooper dared to fumble for the pills.  
Better be able to stand up before he woke the youngster.  
_After what he had discovered in the bathroom, Ben hadn't been in a talkative mood. When Cooper offered another round of beer he obediently disappeared into the kitchen and came back carrying one glass of water and another one of whiskey – straight into the bedroom.  
Cooper sat up. "What's up, boot? Wanna try something new now? I always thought you were a gentleman. Or a softie." He couldn't help it. "Don't you usually flirt with the people you wanna fuck?"  
Ben's jaw tightened. "You're not gonna die tonight" he said flatly.  
Cooper straightened up. "Go home, Ben."  
Ben didn't move. Neither did John. For at least ten minutes he tried to stare the youngster down. Ben didn't even flinch._  
_Eventually Cooper stood up, fully knowing he was on the verge of losing. He hated those parts of the day when his body stopped aching but his mind was too tired to enjoy the sudden easiness of movements. It was a waste of pain-free time. He built up in front of Ben. "This is my house" he said calmly, "I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry you had to watch them."  
Ben stared at him. So there was still something that shocked him. Cooper realized he had never excused himself for dragging Ben through all the shit he lived with.  
"But I'm still a cop" he kept on, his voice still calm. Dangerously calm. "And if you think you know what I'm going through every day, every fucking day for the last twenty years, you're wrong. You think you know how it is to be a cop? You have no idea of being one. You're still switching yourself on and off, you come to the station each morning leaving your life in your locker and when the day's done and you've survived it without being too much a danger for the people of this city, you get it out again, clean and nice and happy with yourself and the world, and forget about what you've seen. But what you've seen doesn't forget you. And the time will come when you can't close up anymore, when all the shit you try to fight with comes down on you. And you won't be able to keep it away from who you are any longer. Do you remember what I told you on your first day here?"  
Ben nodded reluctantly, but still wouldn't look away. "You said you're a cop because you don't know how not to be one. If you feel that way, you're a cop. If you don't, you're not." He held the glance, burning with the passion that Cooper knew would make him a good cop. A man just like he had been once.  
He took the younger one in again, his retained energy flooded down. Ben had done his best to absorb everything he had said, and whatever you may say of the kid, he was smart. More book-smart than street-smart still, but smart.  
The danger disappeared out of Cooper's voice, but the calmness remained. Calmness and regret, much as he tried to keep it out.  
"Yes. And that's exactly what it is about. It will get you, and it will get you down. Look at me."  
Now Ben looked down. Cooper grinned. "Not a good sight, uh? That's life. That's what might happen to you. If you don't get shot before. I told you you're in the greatest show on earth, first row. What I didn't tell you till now is that first row always comes at a higher price than you think."_

_Ben swallowed and backed away, obviously trying to come up with anything to answer that. Cooper used the moment to shove past him and into the bedroom.  
As soon as he had crawled into bed, Ben peeked in. "You think I'm not strong enough to do this job?" There was no challenge left in his voice, it was more… tentativeness.  
Cooper sighed. He wanted to sleep, and he wanted to get Ben out of his house. And he wanted to forget that there would be a day after this, another day filled with so much pain that every time he touched his gun it was a challenge not to simply end it all.  
"John?" Ben's voice had become even more insecure.  
Cooper closed his eyes. He had already adopted the puppy. And he knew damn well he couldn't bring himself to kick him out tonight. _

"_No, I don't. And now let me sleep or I swear you'll never find out."  
Ben managed a grin. "Sweet dreams, old man."_

At the door to the living room Cooper had to rest – five steps away from his bed. The pills did work, he knew it, but they needed longer each time. Ten steps to make it to the kitchen. At least he didn't have to be quiet; Ben was sound asleep on the couch, and Cooper knew that he wouldn't wake up if not for a kick or a glass of water – in his face.

Five steps. Cooper had to lean heavily on the kitchen door, causing it to swing open. He bit back a groan as he stumbled forward to the desk. Next thing to hold on. Grasping the plate he waited for the pain to ease down. They would be late anyway, no need to hurry about five minutes more or less. Very carefully Cooper walked over to the coffee machine.

"How long do you need to get ready?"

Correcting. A kick, a glass of water in the face or the smell of coffee.  
Cooper didn't bother turning around as he slowly reached for another cup. "Too long. Our shift starts in about ten minutes. We're gonna be late today."  
"Damn it!" He heard Ben punch against the door. "How long?"  
Finally, the pain was down. Together with his sense of orientation. Cooper did his best not to drop the cups as he turned around and handed one of them to his rookie. "Depends on how long you need for your breakfast" he grinned.

Ben took the cup, staring at him as if he had gone crazy. Which probably he had. He didn't know anymore.  
"What do we do now?" The younger one asked, trying to swallow the hot beverage as quickly as possible. "Should I call Hills?"  
"That would be a beginning." Cooper tried to enjoy his coffee, but with all the painkillers his gustative nerves had stopped working.

Ben nodded unrestingly, trying to get his cell out of his pocket with one hand, still holding the cup. "And what do I tell him?"  
Cooper sighed. That nothing really mattered to him anymore didn't mean Ben should suffer. Again.  
"Better not tell him where you've spent the night. Hills' a good guy but he could misunderstand it. And you don't wanna have Dewey know about it."  
"Okay." Ben dialed. "So…"  
"Just tell him it's my fault." Time to take responsibility. Nine days. Nine days left.

"Hey, sergeant! It's Sherman. Sorry, sir, I… I won't make it in time. I…" Ben looked at his TO who nodded encouragingly. "No, it's my fault, sir, I overslept. I know. Yes, sir. Actually he's just come waking up the whole neighborhood, sir…. Understood. Yeah." He hung up. "We're taking the tour through backwater, and there's a girl not come home yesterday. Thirteen years old, white, blonde. It's not official yet but we're to be careful." Ben gulped down the rest of the coffee and disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Cooper to collect his thoughts and countenance.

Before the men separated to each drive in his own car, Cooper asked: "Why?"

Ben shrugged, knowing exactly what his TO meant. "You've made faults enough, no reason to add another one." He got in and slammed the door shut before Cooper could say anything.

Not that there was anything to say to this.


	5. Chapter 5

Most of the day passed by in silence. Cooper wasn't sure what it was that, after all, had made Ben so shy, but he was glad for it. Simply sitting behind the steering wheel and driving was draining him out, he wouldn't survive a discussion about morals and honor now.  
He couldn't run anymore. If they got into a setup now, they would die. If a drunk driver decided to take the next curve too fast, they would die. And if an old lady mistook them for burglars and hit them with her grandson's baseball bat, they would also die. Another wonderful day in L.A.  
No, he was in no shape for a discussion about morals.

But looking at the rookie Cooper knew that at the end of the day he would have to lead it.

"What you're thinking about?" As they reached the precinct to end their shift, Ben broke the silence. His voice was as uninvolved and arrogant as it had been in week one – after the first day, that was. On his first day Ben had been just as eager to serve and protect as any rookie. And just like the rest, even more eager to please his TO.  
Now it seemed as if the only thing Ben wanted to protect was his own sanity of mind, and while Cooper couldn't blame him for it, it wasn't the right way to do the job. Not when he hadn't even got through his first year.

Day Nine was done. Still eight to go.

"Don't let yourself get cynical about the job" Coop said eventually. "I know you're disillusioned right now, and trust me, it'll get worse. People will yell at you, they will hate you, they will try to kill you while you are protecting them. Get over it."  
Ben snorted. "Great. Bury any feelings you have in alcohol and painkillers, that's a good way."  
Cooper didn't step in."If you do this job with half a heart, it will get you killed quickly. If you do it with all your heart, it can ruin your life. Maybe your wife will leave you. Maybe you never see your daughter growing up." He paused for a moment, long enough for Ben to stare at him in confusion but too short for him to ask, "and you have any reason to get cynical over life and the idiot you were for doing this job. But you can't get cynical about what we do or it will kill you faster than a gun and more painful than a bottle of gas and a spark of fire on your uniform. What we do is serve the law and protect the people, as much as we can while serving the law. It may be stupid, it may be useless, it may feel wrong sometimes, but it is our job." He looked at the younger one intensely. "I have noticed how you looked at that bastard today – no. We are not here to judge. We are not here to make the world a happy place the way we want it just because we have guns. Understood?"

Reluctantly, Ben nodded, looking away again. Cooper sighed. "Fine. Get out."

Obediently Ben stepped out of the car but stayed close to his TO as they went to their lockers. "You got a child?"

John's face hardened. He couldn't interpret the sound of Ben's voice, and this was the last boundary he had. The last secret he kept, from everything. They had already gone too far, both of them, and they knew it.

Silently, Cooper opened his locker. Right in the back was a photo, hidden in an old Playboy Dewey had given to him after his divorce.

Still eight days to go. Eight days that would cost him everything. Maybe someone should tell her.

"Where is she?" By now the accusing note in Ben's voice had completely vanished. Through the red wall of pain that shielded him from the world Cooper understood that his feelings were written on his face clear as day. Or was it just that Ben had got to know him too well?

"She's in Washington with her mother" he said eventually, pulling out the picture and folding it into his jeans.  
"Does she know you?"  
"Yes." He felt the smile that pulled up the corners of his mouth. "Her mother never cared about her knowing me, but she found out eventually. She searched contact with me when she was twelve."  
"How…"  
"She's about your age, boot." The pain in his back grew steadily as Cooper closed the locker door and turned to go. "And if you ever get near her and try to make her one of your bedstories I will kill you!"  
Ben hurried to smile but for a moment John was sure to see acceptance in his eyes. And jealousy.  
"Didn't know you were that much of a father" he said demonstratively casual as he passed his TO. "Do I have to stay with you tonight? One of the lab assistants has her free evening tonight. And since she's not your daughter…"  
"Go ahead." Cooper's voice was hoarsely and low in the big empty room. Rows and rows of grey lockers, a light so yellow that it made everyone look sick.  
_Didn't know you were that much of a father._ The boot was right. Last night had been a mistake in every possible way. He loved Anna with all his heart but he wasn't much of a father. He was a cop. Cops weren't meant to have a family, history proved that. He knew no cop who was still married, or if he was at least not to the same woman as when he had started. You see too much shit on the street, too many ways your beloved ones could get hurt or drug-addicted or killed. The first year of his marriage with Laurie had sent him crying in her arms almost every week. Sometimes he had called her five times a day just to make sure she hadn't been abducted or murdered.  
The thought of Anna getting hurt was even worse than the pain in his back – one of the reasons he had never asked her to come and live with him. Even if her mother was a slut and he had no idea what she was working now – his daughter was better without him.

The way to his car had been doubled in length. Cooper grinned as he stumbled over the parking lot, almost amused by the wreck he had become. If breathing didn't hurt so much he'd have laughed. When exactly had the rules changed? When had he let Ben's unhealthily strong protective sense take over and ignore the rules of the job? It was not uncommon to develop some fatherly feelings for a rookie, they said. Whoever they were. Cheesy little psychologists who believed in the police as a big family protecting the city. The same story John himself had fallen for, and now Ben, and now…

As Cooper kissed the floor the world turned in again. He hadn't even realized when it had blacked out, or if he had made it to his car before he fell. It didn't matter, though, and he wasn't going to check out by moving his head. The blood on Cooper's lips ran into his mouth as his senseless grin got wider.  
His back didn't hurt. For the first time since… too long, it didn't hurt. Not a bit. He didn't feel anything, lying flat on his belly on the hot asphalt. Given, he didn't feel his legs either, but this was a price he could pay. Cooper closed his eyes. He should sleep while he was not in pain, those sleeping pills always killed parts of his brain off.

Or so it felt.

Sometimes.

"John? John!"

Cooper's grin wasn't faded as Ben fell down beside him.  
"What the hell you're doing, uh? You think you're a good cop now? Someone I should look up to? Come on, asshole, get up!"

Asshole. Had he really just called him that? How untypically, both for him to be called that and even more for Ben to use such a word – to a police officer. The world was going crazy.  
Cooper chuckled. Well, at least then he wouldn't be so wrong here.  
"I said get up!"  
Maybe he should tell the boot not to worry. Through the dizziness in his mind Cooper realized that Ben's words were filled with worry, worse, fear. He wasn't disrespectful, he was panicking. He was a kid after all, waiting to drive his own car but still unable to talk harshly to a woman.  
"'s okay…"

"Cooper!" More alarmed than gently, Ben grabbed his TO's arm and turned him around.  
Spits of blood landed in his face as the other cop started to scream.

Unconsciousness had again wrapped him in her warm embrace – obviously. As Cooper opened his eyes he found himself at the back seat of a car. Not his car. His back was hurting like hell but he could breathe without the feeling that his lungs were on fire, and his mind was a lot clearer now than… whenever he had been awake last time. Whoever was driving must have given him something.  
Cooper sighed with relief. So it wasn't Ben.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty!" Dewey turned around from the driver's seat, grinning widely. "I hope you had sweet dreams, we weren't sure about the right dose for your nice little pills, but…" He laughed. "You don't seem much more of an idiot than before. Which actually would be difficult, but…"  
"Watch the road."

The second voice made Cooper's blood freeze.  
Ben.  
The last waves of dizziness broke away and left him cold and guilty in the darkness.  
He had failed, totally and irreversibly. It was easy to put the pieces together – to realize what must have happened. What he had made Ben do. For worse even that he had collapsed and needed two men to get up again and into a vehicle that hopefully would bring him home – he had made Ben a companion of his corruption now.

Because that was what had become of him, Cooper realized. A corrupt, broken cop. He was dirt under the feet of honest men, a criminal like the ones he once had been proud to catch.  
Ben had gone to the only one he could trust with Cooper – to a man who owed him something, a man who would not report him.  
Dewey.  
It was the choosing of this man, from all officers around, that shook Cooper. He had played with Ben's soul, telling him how to be while showing him how not to be all the time.  
And Ben had given in.

"I'm sorry" John whispered between dry lips. "I really am."

This time Dewey didn't turn around. His voice was earnest. "Don't you worry, man. I still love you. We'll get you some help. If they could heal me you'll be out there in a minute. Don't worry."

Cooper didn't listen to his colleague's rambling, he waited for his boot to say something. Anything.

Ben stayed silent.

"Alright, here we are!" Dewey hit the brake so abruptly that Cooper fell forward into the safety gear. A faint moaning broke out of his mouth. He was done.

"I check him in, you stay here." Ben's voice still was cold as ice. He didn't look at his TO as he opened the door and left.

Dewey shook his head. "Coop, you got a serious problem with this one. I mean, not that what you got about yourself isn't serious enough, just… damn it. You were too nice a couple, babyface and grumpy, why did you have to break up?" He turned around.

Cooper just looked at him. Breathing had become exhausting again. The irony in Dewey's words and voice was the same as ever but something in his eyes was disturbing. Maybe his mind wasn't as clear as he thought it was, for Cooper needed a moment to identify his colleague's expression as worry. Dewey Dudek was honestly worried about someone else. This should be top headline in a newspaper, Cooper wanted to say. He didn't. He was tired, tired of being in pain, tired of disguising, tired of disappointing Ben. Tired of being on this fucking earth. He didn't say it, and Dewey didn't ask.  
"We'll get you to a therapy, John" he just said calmly, "and I can promise you it will be hell for the first ten days. And for the next. And after the third ten days you will want to die. But once you got over forty I promise it will get better. Look at me! I'm dry. I swear I didn't touch a drink for two months and three days. Is that much? No. Am I counting each fucking day? Yes. Who cares? I'm good, John. I'm good because you saved me, brother, and now I'm doing the same for you. Well, Ben and I. You're stronger than I could ever be, you know that. You'll get through."  
He turned around and cursed.  
"Come on, how long can it take to get a room for a cop? This idiot. Probably flirting with the receptionist. Honestly, man, if Sherman got to me, I'd have him learning his manners. And he'd hate me."  
Cooper took a deep breath. "He does." The stupid thing was that it felt good to speak of Ben. Even if it didn't change a thing.  
He had lost him. No, he had pushed him away. John closed his eyes.  
"Well, not as much as he hates you right now, ey?" Dewey shot back, then quickly got earnest again. "He'll understand, mate. Maybe not now but he will. Come on, he's been looking up to you for a year, you think he changes his mind now after one day?"

But it wasn't one year. It was one year minus nine days.

Dewey waited for an answer he didn't get and after another two minutes of silence his patience was exhausted. "Don't run away, grumpy! I'm just showing your boot the ropes. That can't be taking so damn long!"

Two minutes later the two officers rushed over to the parking lot, followed by two nurses ready to carry him in.

Cooper was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

He didn't turn back. A children's game – you can't see me if I don't see you – but it worked.

He had no idea where he was going, or how he even had managed to climb out of the car. It was easier not to think about what he was doing.  
He had failed. Miserably. Through the blur in his eyes and mind this one thought stung out clear and hard: he had failed. He was no longer a cop, not even a bad one. Right now, he was running from the cops. As much as he could run.

Eight days. Fucking eight days still to go. He could do it. He could have done it if only Ben would have trusted him.  
And that was where the whole thing started again. Ben would have trusted him if he hadn't so screwed it up.

"Hey! Hey, jackass, I'm talkin to you! Show me some respect when you walkin ma streets!"  
The painkillers were fading. Cooper didn't bother turning around to the gang bangers behind him, he needed to get home. He still could do this. Eight days, and then Ben would be out, and he would be dead. For all the shit he had seen God owed him those eight days. If there was a god.  
"Hey!" The blow came so hard it sent the cop falling head over onto the ground. For a merciful second Cooper was out, then his consciousness returned, together with the agony in his back, at full force. And full force now meant it was worse than ever.

The hitter backed away from the bully man, roaring on the ground like a wounded bear. Cooper's arms jerked but he couldn't move them, couldn't even breathe. He would die. Right here, right now, and not even as a cop but as a civilian. The kid hitting him couldn't be much older than eighteen. Somewhere around the age of Ben Sherman, but he at last had made something out of his life. He had a plan, a self-sacrificing, fucked up kind of plan, but at least he had one.

Blood ran out of Cooper's mouth as he smiled. First row in the greatest show on earth. Let the final curtain fall. Just a few seconds more and the pain would stop. Forever. Screw the eight days.  
He felt the young killer turn his pockets over for money. Would he ever know he had killed a cop? There would be hundreds of men and women, siblings in blue, chasing him. A cop killer. That's what happens to puppies you push away. Some of them die, some of them start going against you.

"Thanks grandpa!" The kid grabbed Cooper's chin and lifted it, then slammed it down, causing his head to bang against the floor. It stung deeply down his back, and Cooper felt something hot flowing down his neck. He didn't see his killer run away.

* * *

Dewey was not easily scared, especially not by his own colleagues. But as they drove away from the hospital Sherman's face and his silence made him more than uncomfortable. Ben had refused to look after John at the parking lot or the streets around, and Dewey had given in, against better knowledge as he had to admit now. Where the hell could John have got to in about seven minutes? Had he had some medicine hideouts somewhere - somewhere in his clothes, that was.  
None of the cops bothered to ask for the why. Though as Ben told him the addressee Dewey couldn't help remembering a drunk night years ago, shortly after Cooper's divorce.

"_I don't believe in long-term relationships", Dewey laughed, drunk as hell. "I mean come on! One day they all get fat and old, and you still gotta sleep with her. It's a disappointment! No matter how or what you do, being married will end you both disappointed and disappointing. Wouldn't be a life for me."  
Cooper chuckled. "I thought you were used to disappointing people by now."  
"Thank you" Dewey shot back ironically. "But what about you, John? What does your big heart say about love and marriage now? You're cured?"_

_Cooper shrugged. His glance went far away. "I think loving somebody doesn't mean having to be together. Maybe it doesn't even mean that you would fit together. Maybe you're just killing the one you love with all the shit you're carrying around."_

_Dewey frowned. "Thanks for the information, brother John. Great god, can someone get this old man something to drink?"_

Maybe you're just killing the one you love with all the shit you're carrying around. As they halted at Cooper's house Dewey asked, "you want me to come in, too? Would be less boring. At least for me."  
Ben shook his head.  
"Alright. Then call me when he comes up." He didn't wait for Sherman to answer.

* * *

The corpse of John Cooper was found at seven thirty a.m. Cause of death were both the wound from the baseball bat and the heavy chemicals in his system. His liver was irreversibly damaged, his stomach filled with little lumps. As his shift had ended two hours previous to his death, Cooper died a civilian death, and therefore was buried in private. Which didn't stop any of the cops from the precinct to say their last goodbye to their fallen brother, and for many of the younger ones offer their consolation to Cooper's daughter.

Ben stood in front of the fridge, door wide open. Right now they were burying his TO. Six days after his death they were laying him to rest, as if he would ever find that.  
After a minute the still-not-totally-cop remembered he had wanted a beer. It tasted like nothing.

Sergeant Hills had agreed to take over for the last eight days of formation. Two more days now and he would be a cop. Funny how not even that mattered anymore.

It was not Cooper's death that bothered him. Somehow he had felt that the man had gone away to die, he had chosen his fate, why should Ben care?

They were burying him right now. Ben emptied the bottle and almost at once spit it out again. His heart was racing, from anger or sadness or lack of sleep he couldn't say.

The job was hard, he knew that. L.A. took more lives than she gave, and she was a cruel city. Behind the Hollywood sign was the sign of the damned souls, and he had just signed a contract that glued him to it. For better or worse till someone would kill him. The bottle fell down, glass splintering across the room. Ben didn't bother sweeping the floor of the house. He would not return here. All of Cooper's beer was drunk now, gone was his whiskey and his bacon and his fucking pills. Ben had thrown them into the toilet after he had heard the news of Cooper's death. Six days he had lived in his dead mentor's house then, waiting for it to be a nightmare. It wasn't.

At the door Ben turned around. Nothing would remain of John Cooper once this house was sold, and chances were high it would be by next week. Nothing would remain of Ben's heart either, of his belief in the power of good. Nothing would remain of what he had been before, with pain, hope, love and fear buried deeply in the layer of arrogance that had already as a child helped him to survive. Serve and protect a dying city. A city that had watched John Cooper go down without helping him. A city that would rather kill him than try to understand him.

Ben closed his eyes for a moment. There were enough people to remember John Cooper as a good cop. He couldn't anymore.

Tomorrow was his last day. He couldn't look back anymore at his TO because he was dead, and because looking back could get him killed when the danger was in front of him. You are a cop cause you don't know how not be one.

He would be.


End file.
